random bits

one more week of school then i get exactly 5 weeks off - actually i should say that i get 5 GLORIOUS WEEKS OFF!!! :)

i'm so beyond tired right now, it's not funny. i've spent 85% of the last 3 days asleep - i've been miserably sick with a cold from hell. the little teeny tiny one from last month was nothing - i nearly lost my voice altogether from this one. plus, it made me miss my time with Shadow yesterday!! waahhhhh!!! :( not to mention, i'm behind on my paper now too (it was due yesterday) because i couldn't stay awake long enough to make any sense out of a bi-variable regression analysis. so, now that my mind is somewhat back to normal, i'll be getting right on that paper.

but today - during one of my many naps at home (sick day don'tcha know), i had the oddest dream about a disaster movie that Shadow took me to on the 15th. we had a great afternoon that day - did the traditional 'meal & a movie' routine. i took him to this yummy Tex-Mex-Cajun place up north (he loves spicy food) and we had a fantastic late Sunday lunch. then we went and saw 2012.

i love disaster movies!! it's one of my dirty little secrets! ;) but the movie was freaking hilarious!! of course, having just opened 2 days prior, the movie was being screened in one of the cineplex's biggest theaters and every seat was full! but, there were so many places in the film that Shadow and i were just laughing ourselves silly! and we were the ONLY ones laughing!! but, come on now - what isn't funny about the Sistine Chapel cracking PRECISELY between Adam and God's fingers??? and the JFK aircraft carrier wiping out the White House?? i mean, those were only 2 of the laugh-out-loud moments!! :) oh well, at least the FX boys had some fun with the film!! and Shadow and i laughed - and learned that we have a rather similar sense of humor after all.

which is another reason why i'm sooooooo excited for Better Off Ted being released on DVD next Tuesday! it's been in my Amazon cart for awhile now, and i've already told Shadow that he's going to be introduced to this show on one of our winter Sundays next month. i know that he's going to love it! plus, it'll be better on DVD, because then i can pause it when i get to laughing so hard, i end up missing 5 minutes of the show! (i'm not joking about that either, btw). i can easily entertain myself with that show for ages. it's rather like I Love Lucy - especially the VitaMeataVegaMin and the chocolate factory episodes. even though i've seen each of those dozens of times over the years - they still send me into gales of laughter each time i see them! and Ted is the same way - only worse, because i've actually worked for a company like that.

eh, well - i've managed to get completely off topic tonight. although i didn't really start with one, so what the hell.

am looking forward to Thanksgiving in a few days - it'll be just my sis and i, no big cooking going on, just a couple little things that we love (pumpkin bread and fruit for breakfast, and pumpkin pie for dessert - after whatever delivery restaurant is open and looks good)!! it'll just be a relaxing day - parade watching, phone calls to the family, homework for both of us, and a quiet, peaceful holiday. Christmas is looking to be pretty good in the peaceful department too - it'll just be her and i. no mother staying for weeks on end and driving us both bat-shit crazy! so, her birthday will be a nice change of pace too - she'll be able to do EXACTLY what she wants to do!!

i forgot that i still had the Why We Love book - until it was seriously overdue. i still have a post about that and the questions it engendered, along with a post about the first part of the Healing Your Emotional Self book - which is behind the reason why i've not spoken to my mother in almost a month. there was something that i read in that book that sent me to Google to research it more, and well... let's just say that it's not pretty. at all. which is making Christmas shopping for her difficult, to say the least.

but, next week - once i again have scads of time (and no looming assignments due) i'll be writing like a fiend here and in returning my enormous stack of emails and fet messages that i'm now a week behind on.

statistics paper - here i come!

*****
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever." ~Chinese proverb

a quick life update

~ as is usual with yours truly, i've been in heavy thinking mode these past few weeks. i do have several entries to post - once they're completely finished and not simply a pile of half formed thoughts.

~ my professor for FinEcon ended up giving me a B. even after the email i sent advising him of the lower grade i had earned. my grade did fluctuate for a couple days before it settled at the B - so i figured since he was the 'Man in Charge' the decision rested solely with him. i took the B and ran. ;)

~ i'm currently in Applied Quantitative Methods - a fancy name for Statistics. and, at the moment (with 59% of my overall grade still outstanding) i have a 91%.

~ my work is going well. the bosses love me and leave me be to do the job they hired me for - which i love, as being micro-managed irks me to no end! i've enough projects and such to keep me interested, and because of my school these last months, i've learned so much more and been able to connect learned concepts to working principles. in fact, my co-worker has asked me several questions of late that i've been able to answer - things which he didn't know (and he's been there for over 15 years)! so, although i'm almost always tired, it is definitely proving to be well worth the time, energy, effort involved.

~ i posted an ad on FetLife seeking a photographer and as a result of that, have begun conversing with several other folks. which is good. i'm broadening my horizons and learning about others and connecting better. even met one of them last Friday night, when he came out to the munch.

~ i'm saving up to buy myself a pair of black patent leather, over the knee, high heeled boots. i'm thinking that they're going to look killer paired with the blue plaid school-girl skirt i'm also saving up for. hopefully the Flea next February will prove to have some great presenters so i can go and do a little shopping too! ;)

~ right now, i'm very much looking forward to my December break - 5 weeks of NO SCHOOL!!! i'll be able to do the photos then, hopefully in time to send them to the family and friends for Christmas. i also have a rapidly growing list of 'things to do in December' and yes, #1 is UNPACK & ORGANIZE THE BLOODY NEW APARTMENT (which won't be so new by December)!! how is it that Thanksgiving is next week!?!?!?!?!?!

~ i've begun dating a hyper-intelligent, funny, kind and caring guy, Shadow (i'm breaking with my naming convention here though y'all - his name does not actually start with S). once again though, he is a switch.

~ this past Sunday night, he was cuffed to my bed while i teased him and marked him and generally played with the cute toy that i had at my disposal. i have to say, he made the yummiest sounds!! and holy hell - was it ever a power trip!! being on Top does have some, rather, distinct advantages, i must say. even being the one in control, i was still able to satisfy my desire (namely, being covered in his cum) while pleasing and pleasuring Shadow. but the best part was actually after - holding him while he calmed down and came back from subspace. what is it about a guy who has the cutest brown eyes?

~ now, i've been in subbie-girl mode with Shadow too. but Sunday night - heh, that was a great cherry that he popped: My first time as a Top. ;)

fyi...

things are getting better - i've been thinking a lot about the last post and the ensuing 10 days of emails, comments and conversations that have resulted.

i've half a post written, but it'll still be another couple of days before i'll be able to actually finish and post it. just wanted to let everyone know that i really am okay - better than okay in many ways, and getting there in others.

hate

that last week we were together, when i was summarily informed that i was second and Michael kept arguing with me that nothing had changed in regards to his feelings about me, that he still loved me, that he still wanted us to be together and that he felt more for me then than when we had first begun, blah, blah, fucking blah...

i finally figured it out.
of course, nothing changed for him.
because, in his heart, i was never equal to her.

the whole 'co-primary' label - he used it as a convenience to divide time. it had no relation to the status of his heart
so, of course nothing changed for him - he viewed me as less than her from the very beginning, and thus "loved" me less too.

i still hold that he never did, in fact, actually love me. that he only said he did as part of the character role he assumed to please me.

i was the delusional, moronic, idiot who was so stupid as to fall in love with someone who didn't even exist - i fell in love with the character the actor portrayed.

and i hate myself for that.

i hate myself for not leaving him on May 17th - when part of me knew, KNEW, that he saw me as less.

everything i was
every thought i had
every emotion i felt
my independence
my refusal to take advantage of him - to be an obligation
all of this, made me wrong, made me less, made me not good enough

i hate that i was nothing special to him
i wasn't his first love
i wasn't one of the 2 great loves of his life
i wasn't the girl that he saw himself spending the majority of his life with
i wasn't his first D\s experience or relationship
i was nothing special

nothing

i was nothing but a big giant mistake - probably one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
because the few hundred dollars, and the few hundred hours of time he spent on me, with me, over the course of those eleven weeks would have been far more valuable spent in her company - and for her benefit.

hell, he spent over a year flying back and forth to another state for a former girlfriend - and i wasn't even worth 1 fucking week of drama, while i tried to deal with being told i was less and i was never going to be anything other than second to her. and every time i thought that i had all the information, something new was thrown into my face and the drama started all over again.

i hate myself.
i hate myself that i was so stupid to love him.
i hate myself that i failed the test the Gods & the Fates placed before me last night.

i hate the fact that even after all this time - i still don't feel whole.
i hate the fact that i never will be again - that a piece of my heart is gone forever.
i hate the fact that the person who holds that piece, doesn't even know - nor likely gives a flying fuck that he does hold it.
i hate the fact that i was so incredibly stupid to give myself to someone who thought so little of me, that he refused to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts about us.

i hate that - and i hate the fact that he neither cared for nor respected me enough to BE BOTHERED TO READ THIS FUCKING BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!! there are people all over the world and at my munches who know more about me than he ever did - hell, for that matter, he couldn't even figure out who the hell my twin is. that alone, goes to show how little he read my blog (and listened to me) - but no... instead i was the one who got the lecture about not "bothering to read" a blog.

the idiot who said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - was, well, an idiot. or maybe he was actually loved just as much as he loved.

which is something else i've learned:
- never love someone more than they love you
- never say those damn stupid 3 words first
- never believe the facade - the actions mean more
- never believe that someone who lies to himself is telling you the whole truth
and people don't love others unconditionally - there's always some sort of string or another present. or some sort of comparison being done to you, so that you always measure up as less.

most of all though:
- i hate myself that i loved him
- i hate myself for trusting him

- i hate myself for being that naive and vulnerable
- i hate myself for not seeing the real truth sooner

- i hate myself for telling him my most shameful secrets
- and i hate myself for still caring - why should i care about someone who clearly never saw me as anything more than a 'beck and call' girl - a convenient piece of ass?

this is how i feel - like an idiot.

a stupid girl who's too fucking dumb to live -

this is how i feel today -
between work, school and personal life stuff i've no idea how to deal with, i've had a month of Mondays crammed into each day of this week.

and last night - seeing them again for the first time in over a month - seeing them off by themselves - seeing him stroke her arm and whisper to her - things that he did with me, with his girl...

i broke.

i began shaking as i grabbed my things together and the tears began falling as i jumped out of my chair and darted through the tables to snatch my coat off the back of another chair - and i ran. literally.

i ran up the ramp and out of the food court, half blinded by my tears.

WHY DOES HE GET TO BE SO FUCKING HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND I DON'T?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i hate that the Gods have allowed him to be happy and not me.

i hate that he was put in my path -
i hate that i ever met him.

i swear, if i could, i would go back in time and never be-friend him. i would never have invested so much time, energy, thought and so much of ME - in him: either as a friend or as a boyfriend, lover, whatever fucking damn label you'd use.

he wrote in an email on June 6th, that "...having been with you to me is worth almost any price."

well, being with Michael was not worth this quantity of pain and anger and hate.
the few weeks of "being in love" - NO!!!!!
it wasn't worth this price -
knowing him, being with him - wasn't worth this price.

fucking hell, nothing is worth this price.

what i wouldn't give to go back to the night of March 19th, and never have gotten involved with him.

what i wouldn't give to hate him half as much as i hate myself.

i curse the day that Tate introduced us
i curse the day i actually fell for the illusion he presented
i curse the day i was so FUCKING STUPID that i actually blurted out 'i love you' to someone who didn't love me

if only i could change the past and have him removed from my heart, mind, soul altogether

no love,
no person,
no life lessons... are worth this

*****
"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things." ~Rene Descartes

blankie?? bear?? bed...

that's all i want right now - my blankie and my teddy bear! i'm coming down with my traditional annual fall cold and my head and ear are killing me!!! *sigh* i hate being predictable! :(

have been playing catch up with my emails tonight - and included the link to this blog in the message to my longest-known friend (who, to my knowledge, is not of this kink world). i don't know if that was a wise decision or not. but i'm getting terribly sick of hiding this aspect of myself.

and speaking of - i came out of hiding on FetLife last week - i was even lucky enough to get my old lexa_d moniker back, since i'd requested it to be deleted after Michael left me.

i still wish i knew WHY the Gods chose him to be my first love, Daddy, D\s relationship, etc.

and that WHY is just fucking annoying me to distraction lately. although it's probably just because i'm reading these love books to figure out wtf went wrong so i don't mess up with my One when he does come for me.

no official final grade for the FinEcon class, but according to my records, it's a 78% which is a C+. not happy with myself that i didn't write those 2 papers, but i was still honest and emailed my professor this morning advising him that the course website had the wrong grade for me (a 93%) and that while an A- would be far better than a C+, i certainly hadn't earned the higher grade.

*****
"Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself - and thus make yourself indispensable." ~Andre Gide